allow me to bitch.

no. wait a min. this is MY blog. y am i asking for permission? lol.

have been doing abit of reflecting/deep thinking these days. yes, in e midst of all dat studying.

can i call it an identity crisis? maybe. or perhaps its just another one of my regular mood swings. but after the mastercard episode, i have somewhat been brought back to reality, to see things from... a different view?

and so, i question myself: "what do i want? for my career. for my life. for EVERYTHING in my life." and the puzzling thing is, i'm unable to answer myself. damn.

for the career bit, its a little nerve-wrecking. considering e fact that i'm heading into my final yr soon; considering e fact that i have yet to secure an internship; considering e fact that i have yet to decide what to go into after grad; considering e fact that i'm still so ignorant about so many things... yada yada yada. with dat, comes ALOT of self-doubt.

dis carries forward to e portion on my life. and so now i know alot of "i-am/was-not"s. for e fun of it, lets just list them down.
- i was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth; but thankfully i'm born into a nice family, fairly good upbringing. but obviously not e one doted on, yet alwaes get e sai kang for being much more reliable than e other dude in e house
- i was not born to be tall (duh)
- i was not born good-lucking (duh again)
- i was not born smart (not THAT smart)
ok crap so far... more importantly
- i was not born to be a leader
- i was not born to be a people's man
- i was probably not born to enjoy success in life

and with that last line i can probably sum up things in my life thus far. no success in career (or career prospects), no success in studies, no success in love, no success in alot of things. and yet at e same time, i cant pinpoint wad it is dat i exactly want in my life.

screw it. i dont even know myself. i carry this face when i'm with this person. i put on another persona when interacting with another individual. and yet i cant describe who i truly am. more often than not, i choose e easy way out, which will be to make light-hearted chitchat & crack jokes, just to lighten up e atmosphere. but hey, hu can truly say that they know me, when even i dont know myself?

i rem telling sara, that i wanna turn evil. at least in that way, i can do wad i like & not give a shit about what other ppl think. but then again, its just not in my bones to be evil. i rather be nice, and be accepted. on e other hand, its tiring, to alwaes be nice to ppl, to be aware of wad others think & feel, to TRY to be e ppl's man. do i always have to play nice? to you?

so, what should i do? what do i want out of life? where do i head from here? probably questions with answers that i will never find.

enough bitching. back to studying. and watching man utd lose to blackburn. =p

and some of e mtvs of e nice songs david tao sang today. i like these songs. =)

Labels: identity

it's 10:08 AM now