任我放纵的小世界

i just got home from watching the man utd match. 1-0. all english team finals. hurray!

ya right.

anyway, just to give a reply to bert. i have to. i know u're still watching out for this space, cos i read your blog. great minds think alike huh :). and i guess there's not much of an alternative to bring this across.

well, first things first, i'm glad i saw what i saw on the blog. or at least, that is probably what i expected to be the truth behind the whole thing. and for that, i accept and respect it. yesterday when syafiq told me, i defended you and said its not in you to do such a thing, for such a purpose. it cant be bert. thankfully, i'm right.

and yes, i know of the help that you rendered the rest of us as well. in fact, i'll put it bluntly, i think of us as the ones who are more willing to lend a helping hand than some others. and for my comments, my bad. i apologize.

and i'm sick of the finger-pointings and this goddamned peer review as well.

no, i dont want to lose a friend in you as well. friends for 5years. i cant put it any way better than you did.

how about burying the hatchet? this has been a fucked up week and lets just not bring up this ugly episode again. its true, things will probably never be the same again. but one step forward is always better than one step backwards.

it's 2:56 PM now

today, e can of worms was opened.

snap. just like that.

but there's so many versions to the story behind that can of worms that i don't know what to believe in anymore.

but what irks me the most... what hurts me the most is that it feels almost like being backstabbed. yes. that's how it feels like.

it isn't about what they decided to do, although i do not agree with what they chose to do. its not even about the ethical issues behind that decision.

its about the fact that we were told that it would be fair. or so i thought. i dont know if i can go as far as to call it a lie, but thats damn sure what it feels like.

its about the fact that i treat everybody as friends. truthfully. and yet what came back wasn't the reciprocal.

maybe i'm naive. when people asked me for help, i gave. i truly believe that i did, even if i was irritated. but i did. i treated everybody as friends.

so now i dont know how i will act or behave. i've said many times today "how to trust anymore? how do you want me to treat you?" but at the end of the day, i will be ok. my conscience is clear.

and people tell me to forgive and forget.

so, friends? yes.

but things will probably never be the same again.

Labels: friends?

it's 7:27 AM now

Monday, April 28, 2008

food for thought time again:

when u are in trouble/need help, i've got your back.

when i'm in trouble/need help, do u have mine covered?

true friends. truth or myth?

Labels: truth or myth

it's 10:48 AM now

Friday, April 25, 2008

let me throw u this scenario:

u have a car. u have 2 kids. 1 needs to use the car to go to work tonight, cause it will end late & no transport back. 1 needs to use the car to go ECP for god-knows-what.

who do u give the car to?

........

ok i think i'll return them e money they gave me to take cab. i've got more backbone than that. i can take a goddamn nightrider if i have to.

Labels: biased

it's 7:02 PM now

Saturday, April 19, 2008

allow me to bitch.

no. wait a min. this is MY blog. y am i asking for permission? lol.

have been doing abit of reflecting/deep thinking these days. yes, in e midst of all dat studying.

can i call it an identity crisis? maybe. or perhaps its just another one of my regular mood swings. but after the mastercard episode, i have somewhat been brought back to reality, to see things from... a different view?

and so, i question myself: "what do i want? for my career. for my life. for EVERYTHING in my life." and the puzzling thing is, i'm unable to answer myself. damn.

for the career bit, its a little nerve-wrecking. considering e fact that i'm heading into my final yr soon; considering e fact that i have yet to secure an internship; considering e fact that i have yet to decide what to go into after grad; considering e fact that i'm still so ignorant about so many things... yada yada yada. with dat, comes ALOT of self-doubt.

dis carries forward to e portion on my life. and so now i know alot of "i-am/was-not"s. for e fun of it, lets just list them down.
- i was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth; but thankfully i'm born into a nice family, fairly good upbringing. but obviously not e one doted on, yet alwaes get e sai kang for being much more reliable than e other dude in e house
- i was not born to be tall (duh)
- i was not born good-lucking (duh again)
- i was not born smart (not THAT smart)
ok crap so far... more importantly
- i was not born to be a leader
- i was not born to be a people's man
- i was probably not born to enjoy success in life

and with that last line i can probably sum up things in my life thus far. no success in career (or career prospects), no success in studies, no success in love, no success in alot of things. and yet at e same time, i cant pinpoint wad it is dat i exactly want in my life.

screw it. i dont even know myself. i carry this face when i'm with this person. i put on another persona when interacting with another individual. and yet i cant describe who i truly am. more often than not, i choose e easy way out, which will be to make light-hearted chitchat & crack jokes, just to lighten up e atmosphere. but hey, hu can truly say that they know me, when even i dont know myself?

i rem telling sara, that i wanna turn evil. at least in that way, i can do wad i like & not give a shit about what other ppl think. but then again, its just not in my bones to be evil. i rather be nice, and be accepted. on e other hand, its tiring, to alwaes be nice to ppl, to be aware of wad others think & feel, to TRY to be e ppl's man. do i always have to play nice? to you?

so, what should i do? what do i want out of life? where do i head from here? probably questions with answers that i will never find.

enough bitching. back to studying. and watching man utd lose to blackburn. =p

and some of e mtvs of e nice songs david tao sang today. i like these songs. =)

Labels: identity

it's 10:08 AM now

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

reality check? [tick!]

and so today e mighty dreams of Team AutoSol'n came crumbling down.

apart for those privileged few who already know, we didnt win anything for our case challenge. didnt expect there to be 7 teams. didnt expect us to not win the category. didnt expect reality to hit this hard.

so moral of the story? never put ur hopes too high. its true when they say that e higher u are, e harder u fall.

but then again, would i change anything that happened in the past weeks? that's a no-brainer actually. its a definite no. nothing will take away the fun, joys, pissing-offs, brain-dead ("i cant do it" - private joke) that i had from preparing for the proposal & ultimately, the presentation. i do not wan to take away credits from 2 of my bestest friends, siao eh 1 & 2... i mean zhiwei & merbra. kudos to dem for their intellect dat got us so far. hope i wasnt much of a burden to dem. LOL.

so, what we got from this entire experience.... is the desire for more. will we be back next yr? of course. will we be better? definitely. will we win? only time will tell.

but hey, no more regrets. time to study & bury myself in books.

and besides, it was a private function at Equinox. oh my goodness. =)

Labels: reality checked

it's 10:22 AM now

Saturday, April 12, 2008

and today i amazed myself again.

had work earlier. the crowd was &(_)#%&)&)#*@#*_. ask anybody else who worked. some big ego assholes. hmph. but whatever. now i know which events to NEVER work for.

anyway, back to the point.

i impressed myself with my ability to two-face. that said, it's sth like putting on a facade. put on a smile, and i can hang out with ppl that i dont even feel attached to. or ppl that i shouldnt even hang out with.

and so i ponder again, why do i even bother? mayb i should just heck care, and ignore everything. but that aint rlly me huh.

side track, today i felt good. despite all the power struggle at work (certain ppl should know), it feels good to sort things out & wan to play no part in this backstabbing shit. just go back to work & act blur, enjoy the show & have fun.

that's it.

Labels: facade

it's 9:58 AM now

Friday, April 04, 2008

这个。。。更感人喔。看得，都有点想哭。哈哈哈。

他说他不浪漫。屁啦！！ =)

it's 7:35 AM now

很喜欢的一首歌。原唱是张雨生，再由五月天翻唱。是在几年前的8月25日七夕情人节演唱会上唱的。当时，到了歌曲的尾声，团里的bassist石头披上了大衣，向他那时候的女朋友求婚。场面很感人，很罗曼蒂克。

很想也能为自己喜欢的人，做这么一个永生难忘的事情。=)

曾经为了莫一个女孩唱这首歌。吉他，练得快死了。哈哈哈。但很开心，因为学会了如何自弹自唱一首自己很喜欢的歌曲。（但现在已经忘了啦！）

最近得知，这首歌的填词，是作词的音乐人为了表达对自己的妹妹的思念而写的。他的妹妹，很不幸，淹水溺毙。原来这么动人的歌的背后，还有那么一个感人的故事。

希望你也会喜欢。=)

Labels: 天天想你

it's 7:07 AM now

Thursday, April 03, 2008

today i shall talk about this interest of mine, which most people should know about.

yes, that will have to be singing. =) i really enjoy singing, although i do have to apologize to my neighbours who have had to tolerate my singing for god-knows how many years. but its fun aint it? i sing literally everywhere (at home), and i absolutely adore ktv.

i think songs are a beautiful thing. they convey feelings like no other things can. a simple melody can invoke emotions deep within u... & u add that to some of e most beautiful poetry u can find in those damned lyrics. woah... a perfect concoction for the heartbroken and those bliss with love.

hearing them is one thing, but to sing them is another. to listen to a song, love it, and then express it in your own interpretation... it opens a whole new world of experience. and nothing beats the feeling when u manage to bring across e emotions dat u put into e song to someone who actually stops to listen to you. apparently there hasnt been anybody hu has stopped to listen to me yet. LOL

i've contemplated on attending singing lessons. but they're expensive... plus i'm... alittle too old? i dont know. a 24 year old gg for singing lessons seem somewhat a far-fetched idea for me.

i've contemplated on joining singing competitions as well, but.... my lack of confidence always gets the better of me.

i would rlly like to have a part-time career... singing in those pubs or what-have-you. but this sort of environment is more available in taiwan & not singapore. besides, will i rlly have that kind of a courage or even ability to pick up such a job? LOL

oh well, a dream will always stay a dream. nothing more, nothing less.

Labels: Sing =)

it's 11:14 AM now

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

the feeling of nostalgia strikes again. i was browsing through my photos on Picasa. =)

and so i've decided to upload some photos. i believe everybody should do sth liddat too, somewhat of a walk down memory's lane.

so here u will find my friends, which i will always remember! and if u're not here, it means.... *ahem*... dat i dun have ur photo. hahaha. have fun. =)

Labels: photographs

it's 2:28 AM now