i'm here bloggin this in my room... with raphael sitting on the floor studying statics. well i should be studying too, but if i dun let out some of my frustration i dun tink i'll be able to digest anything even if i stare at the book for like dono how mnay hrs. i'm typing this real fast so dun mind all e typos n stuff...

tml is my statics paper and seriously i'm still damn blur abt everything. in fact, i haven even study finish yet... dat explains y now i'm in such a panic. & just now i almost flare up at syafiq & alex. brothers, i'm sorry abt dat. but my nerves r rlly getting to me & i was so close to snapping just now. it was like they were discussing all the qns when i was still there trying to read thru my notes & learning wadeva there is to be learnt. so of cos i was a little bit irritated. i was trying to study but each time they say sth foreign my morale hits rock bottom again. i understand its not their fault. but i was just v angry. with them. with myself. with everything.

i was talking with raphael just now... abt wad a joke i have become. an A level 4As student. to wad i m today. wad on earth m i fucking thinking? how come i've become wad i m today? i feel like slapping myself hard on the face & tell myself to wake up my bloody idea. well its too late for this exams & i better wake up for the upcoming semesters. seriously. i dun wan to waste my time & more imptly, my parents money getting this kind of monkey grades. humiliate myself. humiliate my family.

its kinda pressurizing to be from my family, i just realised. no should b i just remembered. check this out. my bro, my cousin, me & my sis all A lvl 4As. another 2 cousins got 3As. now all 5 r in uni. my bro's a medicine student summore. dis is like fuckin pressurising can? if i flop in any way, wad will they think of me? i'll be the joke of the century.

i noe i'm crumbling under the pressure. it amazes me to realise how weak i actually m. how easily i get distracted by other stuff. i wish i can just concentrate on my studies, but my heart tells me otherwise. n honestly i wan to just follow my heart... how? n its not just the studies dat i'm disappointed in. theres many other stuff too... which makes me feel so... disgusted with myself.

i cant wait to go on e drinking outing with raph. n get wasted. n not worry abt anithing else in the world.

n i was hoping dat some1... any1 would ring me up n check on me. wish me good luck. check dat i'm still alive n kicking... so ppl if u're free do dat ok? n of cos thanks lover for dat call. thanks.

thanks mel for being there. thanks raph, syafiq, alex, gilbert for studying with me & all the nonsense.

i need to go study again. might not b slping.

-fucking incoherent entry-

it's 11:23 PM now